Daddy's Dilema.

It's huge to think about a life without a father. Or without your real father. I think it's greedy and a horrible attitude to not tell the real dad that he's going to have a son (or a daughter). But some man are just not ready. Or it is not the right thing to just break through someone else's life when he wasn't expecting at all that something like this could happen.

I don't think I have the right to deviate his life path just because I got pregnant.

But otherwise it would be horrible to deprive him of the right he has to participate if he wills to, and to fulfill his life with the enjoyment and happiness of watching and witnessing a bit of yourself growing in a little boy or girl, that's even worse.

It was really unexpected.

But for me it has been life itself that just woke me up and got my full attention.

I can't deny what's happening, maybe if I was in my twenties I would have thought differently about it, but now I don't hace the right to just blind myself and say no to this life I have growing on me.

I don't even want to have this thoughts in my mind cause I know that he (or she) is aware of everything that goes through it and I don't want him (her) to feel scared. I just want to keep my mind all clear from any shadow of doubt. Keep my mind in a state of calm and full of light, which is my natural way of being so it's not much of an effort for me.

My pregnancy has been wonderful so far.

I'm just here. Watching you grow. Expecting...

The moment your soul got into me.

I believe in fate.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I believe that the exact day we met something started. The Universe itself started planning our future.

You.

It was a few weeks ago when I knew that you were coming. It was quite a surprise for me. I've never been expecting before and it was a complete new thing; I felt tired, sleepy, hungry, but most of all tired... you were taking all my strenght. Besides of the physical changes, which have been very few and with total absence of "bad" symptoms, I wake up every morning to a new reality.

All of my friends got happy when they found out. Loca plena, más plena que nunca. Specially those girl friends that feel that their chances are few for becoming mothers. As women, time is not on our side. But specially, and happily, the most excited (and scared) person of them all was she, the big mama herself, responsible of my own coming to this earth, whom actually reacted very unexpectedly but for some reason she remained calmed.

My mom realized then that she was really going to be a grandma.

Is not that she has no grandsons. She has two granddaughters, but thing is that life has not granted her the bless to enjoy their presence. Due to different reasons, they just haven't been near her and we all know that somehow our daughter's childs are different than our son's children. It's human nature I guess.

I must tell you that something special happened the night you were created. The most strange feeling I've ever felt. It was kind of an energy that started flowing in between my chest and your fathers, and it was so powerful that it woke me up. We were sleeping in this big bed next to each other, and as he was sleeping a bit away, in that exact moment he moved closer to me and started sleeping right in front, face to face, letting that wonderful feeling flow in between his chest and mine, his soul and mine, I didn't realize by then because I didn't knew what was happening, and he remained asleep. I opened my eyes and remained silent, feeling this warm thing inside, enjoying every second that it lasted. I fell asleep as it began to draw away.

I wish I knew by then so I could woke him up and tell him what was happening. Share that moment with him. Maybe he could feel it too.

After that I just had no clue about what was going on. I felt normal, kept on going with my regular life, studying, planning my trip to Chile.

I was by then staying at my friend Carol's flat in Barcelona, next to the Sagrada Familia. It's a beautiful place to live and one of the most heartwarming neighborhoods in the city area. We have been close friends for years now and we have become really close, specially after spending two months sleeping in the same bed, sharing her bathroom and her life with me  : )

She has been an awesome support and she's almost as excited as I am myself.

As you can see, you did the right choice by choosing us. Your father gave you great qualities, I'll give you a big piece of my entire life from now on.

Everyone here's happy you are coming. 

Most of all, may I tell you that this sense of happiness and tranquility that you bring me is really an awesome thing. And it's bigger than anything. Please stay right where you are until you are ready to come. You are gratefully expected.

Writing.

I've always liked to write. It has been my companion and my escape during most of the time since I learned how to do it.

It has been my secret garden.

Writing liberates me, lets me express my secret inner feelings, my love, my anger, and with a simple mix of words and sentences I let myself explain myself to others, in my own words, from my unique point of view, hoping that maybe someone out there will step on my shoes someday, and if I'm capable of sharing my feelings, if there's a bit of hope for you to feel a bit of what I'm feeling; then my work is done and I'm already grateful for it.

It is really hard to take something from your inner you and show it to the world, it's like having all these feelings in your chest, pushing you to just escape, but they are a bit like your are going to bring them to life, so you are scared, scared for them to get real, to become something alive on their own, and as their "mommy" you are afraid that they may get misunderstood and they may get hurt. You don't want them to suffer.

But you have to let them go.
Having their own experiences.
Their own "lives".

They are not just feelings anymore. You expose them.
And they become real.

So please, welcome them.
Let them know your own feelings.
Let them sing along.  

You'll see you are not alone anymore.